getting old

it has been 8 months since i've posted on this blog. it kinda feel strange looking back at the old entries... esp the entry where i complained i felt like a old saggy cow in the midst of young grass. and i looked totally fine in that photo entry. real old saggy cow? thats me right now. haha. i guess today is the youngest day ever from now till the future.

last entry, i wrote that its as though the child-like curiosity in me died; the flame of passion put out; my sense of time seemed to have dulled. i still remember that feeling clearly, and i think i can say i sort of am walking out of that phase already? for some reason that i haven't figured out why. fear of the unknown made me try to root myself desperately to existing situation. and situations keep changing but i keep trying to stay in my comfort zone, refusing to let go of anything, refusing to move on, and expecting everyone to stay in my comfort zone bubble with me. that was totally retarded and it made me miserable because i keep expecting everyone/everything to stay status quo. i think it made the people around me uncomfortable as well.

its really miserable trying to hold on, expecting everyone to stop moving on with their lives and stay with me in my comfort bubble, and then getting sad and left behind when everyone just move on, and then getting paranoid about the future. it was a vicious cycle. it made me highly unproductive as well. trying to make my world the same forever is a tedious task that sapped my energy from doing things i would love to do. it sapped me of my curiosity and passions as well.